Thursday, 13 February 2014

This is two.

Riding the waves, we are now on the crest of two.  Froth and foam roiling around us.  We paddle, we pop up, we ride.  Sunny sunny day and we ride.

This is two.  We are here now.

This is two.

He is sleeping.  Twelve and a half hours from now is two years to the minute that we first saw him.  Outside, in the world.  Fists clenched in rage.  Face in full boo boo.  Pissed off.  Cold.  He didn't cry for ages.  When he finally did cry, so did I.  No tears painted T's face but I could see them in his heart.  I could feel them, warm and salty, the joy and the agony of the experience.  The fear so deep, the moment so intense, and now he is here.

"The baby is born," said the doctor.  Like something holy.  The oddity of that particular statement was not lost.  It resonates, still.

Rukai waited so long to cry. And he cried so little.  Still cries so little.  Yet for two years, in many ways, I haven't stopped.

Some of these tears sorrow.  Too many.  Too many in fear.  But far, far more in total bliss.  Pride.  Disbelief.  Shock and awe and awwwww.

And pride.
And pride.
And pride.

They tell you "he CAN'T."
They tell you "he WON'T."
They tell you what he ISN'T and what he IS.
They tell you what they think and what they suspect.
And you think "go away with all your grey, we are living for TODAY."

And he grows.  For two years he grows.  And he thrives.  And he replies.

I can.  (Try me.)
I will.  (Watch me.)
I am NOT Nothing, No One, Problem, Flaw, Fault, Defect.
I AM.  (Amazing.)
I AM.  (Rukai.)

They tell you what they tell you and yet you know from the get that they know so little.  Because you are Mama.  You just know.

And here we are two years hence.  The fear is not a blaze today.  The fear has dwindled to a drip, to a minor irritation like a leaky tap.  A tiny muffled croak like a frog hiding in a wheat field.  Of rain as spittle.  This is no longer a torrential downpour.

We humans fear the unknown, and for all intents and purposes we should be consumed with fear.  Fear from the "what ifs" and the "maybes" and the "mosts" and "we thinks".

But we are not afraid because, simply, he IS.

And he is Rukai.
And he is ours.
And he is amazing.
And he is two.

I bid him goodnight earlier and found myself not saying 'sweet dreams', but rather 'dream big'.

Dream big.

Yes.  Sunny sunny day and we ride.

This is two.

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